Sigh.

2008-03-24T05:38:02Z

Somehow I made it through the year alive and finally healthy again. I look back and can't believe that was me, so unbelievably sad and despondent. I still have a lot of issues to work through but I'm so much better. What's scary is that when I told my husband what I was thinking, he didn't know what to do and I don't think he believed me. He's a wonderful person, yet I am kind of angry that he didn't take me seriously. Thank goodness I got the help I needed, ON MY OWN.

He never saw the photos. But somehow we have ended up at the same company again, and the same electricity nd sexual tension is there when we see each other. We both pretend it didn't happen - how poorly he reacted. I want him. Not in a relationship-y way, just physically. I want to close the door to my office, set him down on my chair and climb on top. The photos are still there for him to see. Maybe someday I will give him the key.

I want the other one too. But it's more of a schoolgirl crush, massive admiration and fascination combined with lust. He's so fucking smart. And successful. And nice. I knew he was interested and he thought I might be available since I don't wear a ring. I pretended not to notice that he was interested. He confirmed today that he was disappointed I wasn't available. On one hand I want him to know that it's mutual, but on the other - what purpose will it serve? I really like him and enjoy his company. I need to stop picturing him naked and having naughty daydreams about him. Same with the other.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I so bored? Am I just not made to be monogamous? Ten years of being faithful, I am unwilling to do anything different because then I will never be able to go back. But I need to stop focusing on others and figure out what it is I'm not getting at home.

Hurt

2007-06-20T20:16:39Z

I don't like how you're treating me. I feel a special connection to you - not just attration, but I'm really fond of you, and now you're short with me and barely even acknowledge me when you see me.

I was suicidal, deep in the depths of depression. And you made me laugh with that IM exchange in that meeting. A real laugh, the first one I could remember in months. You helped me through without even knowing it. And you've continued to help me through it. You were the only person I felt comfortable even talking to about it, even though I could barely even allude to what the problem was. I was so lost and I felt so lonely. It felt good to have someone to talk to. And the silly little post-its, just silly but I had fun pretending like I was fulfilling an odd fetish of yours.

I miss it all.

And last week, I was finally feeling normal. Like myself, 100%, for the first time in months. Then you had to go and say it. I felt it too, but you didn't have to say it out loud. The tension was part of what made us have fun together and like each other.

I didn't reject you, I wanted it but it wasn't right. Things aren't as great for me at home as they could be but this isn't the answer. I told you that right from the start yet you continued to get personal and I just didn't have the will power to tell you to stop. I liked the attention from you, frankly.

I feel like I'm being punished for doing the right thing. I don't want anything but your friendship. It's important to me.

Now it's gone and it's triggered those feelings of despair. I'm fighting it but I'm just not strong right now.

Naughty Nerd

Sigh.

Hurt